I've tried to write (and re-write, and re-re-write) this post over the last week, and I think it's time to admit something to you and to myself: I'm a little lost. Changing jobs is always a precarious balance, particularly when we live in a world that often uses occupation to define who we are. Intellectually, I knew this. But I guess I just never thought about what it would feel like to lose my sense of definition and identity for a while.
I wrote just a few weeks ago about having the courage to make changes and sail off in a new direction, but right now I'm more like a rowboat caught between islands, unsure of my direction but unwilling to just row in circles.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I don't know what to call myself anymore. For a few years I had a title, an easily understood introduction at parties, an actual noun to use when filling in the blank. It was comfortable and comforting to hide behind that title, because it allowed other people to understand me. Now I've had to leave that role behind, but haven't replaced it with anything concrete -- no meat, just spirits.
The wise amongst you will counsel me to embrace this lack of definition, and use it to expand my horizons and force myself to look beyond the job titles for something greater. You might even suggest that this is exactly what I should be doing at this stage in my life -- loosening up, removing the rigid boundaries I set for myself, exploring the things I didn't even know existed.
And you're right.
But that doesn't make this feeling go away, and it really doesn't make the more practical consideration of introducing myself any easier. I can't stop my natural craving for a label, even a strange-sounding one that requires explanation. I just haven't come up with one yet (suggestions are welcome, creative friends).
I continue to explain to friends, family, and coworkers that I'm still very much a part of the jewelry world. If anything, my resolve to make an impact and breathe new life into this beloved industry has strengthened, and my drive has actually increased thanks to the bold new direction I've taken.
Still, I look forward to a time when a few more puzzle pieces of life will fall into place, giving me a peek at the bigger picture of my life.